Dying Matters Awareness Week: Supporting dads and male carers to share their grief

Many of us are uncomfortable talking about death and the difficult, complex feelings that surround it. Research shows that men and women often express their grief differently, with men tending to focus on action and tasks, hiding their emotions to stay strong for loved ones and isolating themselves, rather than expressing their emotions.

Garry, who has been supported by Demelza since the death of his son Ben, says this has been true of his own experience with grief:

“Obviously we miss Ben greatly, and I am slowly finding my voice to start to speak about him. Demelza offered me counselling after Ben had passed, but being a typical man – we don’t talk, or it is very rare if we do.

“The first session I was a bit quiet, I was trying to get a feel for it and just tell them about Ben. I opened up a little bit more in the second session, and then by the third and fourth sessions, we ended up running out of time and I was still talking, it all just seemed to flow out of me. That was really good for me at the time, because I was in a bad place, not talking to anybody. I would be in work with my headphones on so nobody would talk to me – I just didn’t want to deal with the world anymore. I was really down, but they pulled me back from that, just by talking.”

Talking about Ben was a way for Garry to reconnect with himself, and the world. Speaking to others who have experienced the same loss has also helped him open up and feel less alone:

“I’m part of the dads and male carers bereavement group at Demelza, which has been nice. You sometimes see the same people so you can have a conversation about how they are doing as well. A lot of the time you just have to keep going and pretend everything’s alright – you put on a mask. But the groups give you the chance to drop the mask for a while. For some men it’s hard to open up, and when I've come to Demelza's family events, sometimes you look around and you can see the men finding it difficult to talk. The dads and male carers bereavement groups help them to be themselves and hopefully talk about how they feel."

Demelza’s bereavement groups are an opportunity for families to engage in honest conversations about their grief, share memories of their child and learn about others’ experiences. People tend to find it particularly hard to talk about the death of children, which can be incredibly isolating for their families, so being in a space where others truly understand can be a lifeline when experiencing that loss. 

Gradually, through talking and accepting support, Garry is now in a place where he can guide others through that process:

“It’s four years since Ben has passed, and when I see other parents who’ve lost a child, I can see how much they are struggling. We were at that point a couple of years ago, but now we have learned to navigate our way through life, taking each day as it comes. For us, talking to other parents who have lost a child gives us the strength to help them.”

Garry’s experience demonstrates how important it is to engage in those hard conversations - to talk about grief, express what we’re feeling and find solace in community.